I remember the morning of March 14th because that is the morning I took a home pregnancy test and confirmed we were expecting our first child.
I was feeling much better and excited that I can get on with life without the fear of being sick wherever I was. In July 2016, at 22 weeks, we went to the doctor’s office for our monthly checkup and we were due for the anatomy scan. We were excited to see the baby and Andrew wanted to know the sex but I didn’t. After talking things over with the doctor, we did the ultrasound scan. That is when I noticed my doctor’s demeanour change.
It was shocking for me because I didn’t have any signs physically – no bleeding, no cramping. I was devastated and just remember this heavy feeling in my chest.
I was so glad Andrew had come with me to the appointment. After giving us some time, our doctor let us know what the next steps are. He recommended that I get admitted to hospital that same day to begin the induction process.
After a week home, I went online to find other people’s experiences on pregnancy loss and there was a ton of stories. It was nice to read of people who experienced second trimester losses but went ahead to have normal pregnancies after that. I found support groups for mothers trying to conceive and expecting after a loss. I tried to look for a group with Kenyan women and did not find any so I started one.
This group intends to reassure mothers that they are not replacing their babies but giving a sibling to their angel babies. It is to give mothers a sounding board for their fears and anxieties as they try to conceive or expect their rainbow babies. I have partnered with the charity, Still A Mum, to run these support groups as well as other events for women who are trying to conceive or pregnant after a loss.
The loss and the healing journey has brought us so much closer as a couple. The pain doesn’t go away; we have just slowly come to a place where we are at peace.
Even though we lost our son before we got to know him, we consider him our first born, our son and ourselves as parents. We just happen to be parents to an angel. Nothing can ever replace him and the love we have for him. He holds a special place in our hearts.
(Photos used originally by Jester Photography)
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